Two weeks and a year

David will be a year old in two weeks.

I'm not sure my brain can comprehend this.

This time last year, I was dealing with false labor and anticipation. I was a mess, and absolutely sick to death of pregnancy. Today, I saw a tiny baby (she's about two months) and I wanted to cry because my tiny baby is getting so big! He pulls up, he attempts to climb (just poor at choosing things to climb on), he's thinking about standing and can do it for a moment.

I'm really proud of him. He's a beautiful honey blond. But I miss my teensy dark-haired doll who didn't want to be put down.

I hate finishing

So, my latest project is a baby blanket for a coworker. I love knitting and crocheting, but the "fiddly stuff" - edgings, sewing pieces together - drives me nuts. They take time, they tend to be repetitive and boring, they suck all the fun out of the accomplishment of a project.

Nonetheless, here's the latest

Too busy to think...

I got a new front door today. This sentence does not fully convey the ordeal this has been...

• May 5: First day of our do-stuff-around-the-house vacation. Included multiple trips to Lowe's (that's a whole 'nother rant), one of which included paying to have someone come measure so we could buy a new front door.
• May 9: The guy is late, impacting the rest of our plans for the day, but we get the measurements done.
• May 10: I go to buy the door and pay for the installation. It takes no fewer than 4 people (including one on the phone) to figure out how to pull up the order the dude wrote yesterday so I can pay for it. We should hear from the installer within 2 business days to schedule the installation.
• Dates are fuzzy through the next bit, but it involved a damaged in-stock door that they returned, an installer getting injured in an accident, and a second damaged door that they returned. At no time do I get an update without having to call the store, usually multiple times. Eventually, we're scheduled for an install on May 27 at 5 PM. Colin plans to be home in time for the start.
• May 27: I get home from a meeting around 5:30 and notice there's no extra vehicles around the house and the door looks the same. Apparently at 5:20, they decided to inform us that the door was damaged (again!) and they're trying to get us a new one from another store. They ultimately decide that they will give us 10% off the cost of the door. (Just the door, not the installation or the other work involved. Basically it's 10% off 1/3 the project price.)
• May 30: Reschedule for installation on the 3rd at 5 PM.
• June 3: I get home at 4:45. To the tune of yelling baby, I start prepping his dinner. At 4:50, the guys show up and get to work. Though I was skeptical at a few points, they seem to know what they're doing, and the door gets installed. In the meantime, we discover that my husband and the installer share an ex. Fun times!

So, yeah. Weird-ass day. Too much crap going on to have time to think. 

But hey, I have a new front door with a window I can actually see out of! ... Now I need to paint it....

Clarity

I found out today that I'm not getting something I wanted. Sorry for the vagueness, but it's all work related, so I'm playing it deliberately close to the vest. (Vest, not chest, Harry...that bugged me for the WHOLE BOOK.)

Squirrel!

So anyhow, not getting what I wanted. But in the process, another discussion started, and that one could potentially lead to something even better. Right now, we've got a lot of balls in the air, but today was one small measure of clarity.

I'll take it.

Some days

There are some days where I feel like I might be getting this mom thing under control. It usually means that, within a week, D will be having a major meltdown and I'll be ready to tear out my hair... but I like when I feel like I'm getting it.

A few days ago, I put the little guy in his playpen so we could eat our dinners without having to chase him around the house. I filled my plate and started back to the living room when I noticed he was not only standing in the playpen, he had let go of the sides. I think when the words got out of my mouth, they went something like "ohmigod look look look LOOK!" He stood for a few seconds, grinned at me, then flopped down on his butt. He did it a few more times as we ate (and of course has not repeated since then).

These are the moments I have to remember when he's being recalcitrant about dinner or shrieking because the toy train can't push through the side of the laundry basket.

Waiting some more...

Thought we might be starting again last night, but this morning, all I've got is a sore hip from an awkward sleep position. I know there's a limit to my waiting now. My nurse practitioner thinks I'll go on my own this week, but also said that if she sees me next Friday, we'll be able to pick a date and induce, because my Bishop's score is already high enough that induction would only have a 10% chance of failing. By then, it should be in the near-certainty range.

Today's plan: walking, ironing (which involves standing and walking), maybe building a shelving unit for the closet, vacuuming (more walking). I want to be positive - though that's hard when I've discovered that the line from the Sound of Music ("the sun has gone to bed and so must I") apparently applies to me in the reverse.

6 AM should not be seen by someone who saw 1:30...

Better day?

Apparently I'm flat exhausted. It's not surprising - I'm only sleeping about 2 hours at a stretch, which means even what sleep I get isn't that good. (It's something when you get up and the dogs don't even show interest in going outside because it hasn't been that long.) When I went to the doc today, I admitted that I'm feeling depressed. Don't think I need meds - there's not that much pregnancy left, and I'm not feeling like I'm a danger to myself or others - but I'm just so tired that I'm really struggling with everything else going on. And the disappointment of being sent home from the hospital just capped it off.

Things are continuing to progress, though, which is good, and David looked wonderful on the ultrasound today, even if we couldn't get him to cooperate enough for a good picture. I saw chubby cheeks, and he was trying to grasp his foot (which was up in front of his face - Jill, I keep telling you, he's doing the yoga, too!). Today was a growth profile, and all his bits and pieces looked good. Estimated current weight was 7 lbs. 7 oz., which is bigger than any of my siblings and I at birth - but we were all predictably tiny.

Took a nap when I got home, planning a long walk later before we get dinner. Today is a better day, and the really good day should be coming soon.

Back on the Horse

I wanted to have a good reason to skip a day. Maybe I could have written about being in labor, but then I'd have had to write the mea culpa today that I only thought I was in labor. Apparently I wasn't. Or not in active labor, anyway. These contractions could continue for the remaining weeks of my term. Not something I pictured.

I guess I have at least identified one variety of "not it." Though things were getting regular and even somewhat frequent yesterday, they only sort of got stronger. There was plenty of discomfort, but no real pain. Even my issues with the exams at the hospital were more about the positional awkwardness and my growing realization that I was wrong about whether it was TIME.

I don't like it. I want to get on with things now and see my son instead of just feeling his hiccups. As I said (in the face of another platitude "baby will get here when HE's ready") earlier today, easy to understand, hard to live through.

Discovering the Rest of the World

For the past eight years or so, we haven't had television. Not that we didn't have A TV, we just didn't have cable or satellite, and you really can't get a decent signal around here. But with baby on the way, we know we're not really going to be doing as much out and about as we have in the past.

Today, we got a new satellite system. During setup, the installer had it on NFL Network, and as he tried to show me how some of the menus and such worked, I told him to put it back there - it was better than the daytime dreck on elsewhere. When he left, I had ESPNU running college softball from OKC. Tonight I'm watching the Cardinals (and loving the fact that I can skip the commercials, since we took a walk).

I'll figure out what's on TV later. I've missed live sports, so apparently I'm going to binge. And anyway, to mutilate some George R. R. Martin, Football is Coming...

Rocky Road

No, it's not the ice cream flavor I'm currently consuming. (That would be Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream.)

I'm not particularly good with the whole "patience" thing. I may take a while to make up my mind on something, but once it's made up, I want results yesterday. So the whole gestation thing is frustration #1 at this point. I'm ready, the house is ready, and he's past the arbitrary "safe" line on the calendar. Let's do this thing! But it will probably be a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks where I could easily spend half my time each night sleeping (or trying to) in my recliner because it hurts less than lying on my side in bed. Where I can't even take the shortened version of my walk - I'm down to less than half a mile, I think (I don't really want to recalibrate my pedometer just to confirm something depressing).

The decision from my big meeting today is probably also coming down in "a couple of weeks." That could be some awkward timing, to be sure. Wait and see is apparently THE order of business right now, and it's got me chomping at the bit.

Why the sudden burst of writing?

So, yeah, I probably should have posted this one yesterday, and saved yesterday's for today, but meh.

A friend of mine from grad school and I reconnected on facebook a couple of years ago. We met in a creative writing class - a class which convinced me that I'm not much of a writer, at least not in the genres I prefer to read for pleasure. He's now back in Kansas City (where I grew up) and blogging about roller derby, among other things. And a few years ago he challenged himself (and others) to blog every day for the 30 days of June.

It's like NaNoWriMo on a less frighteningly ambitious scale. No specific goals beyond just writing and posting something every day.

This year, I decided to give it a shot, even though I've got a lot going on that would give me an easy out. That's just the thing - it would be an easy out, but precisely because I've got a lot going on, I think writing about it will help me process all the changes. I want to get back into the habit of writing and develop my voice. I have some things that I have grown passionate about over the last decade-plus, and I think they are ideas which deserve to be heard. So this month is a chance to start fleshing them out.

Impending

Enormous changes are on the horizon. Today is June 1st, and some time this month, I will go from "childless" to "mom."

The word "impending" keeps coming to mind, which seems unfortunate, since it frequently precedes "doom". I don't mean it that way, but that sense of looming about-to-happen-ness, the inevitability combined with lack of control over timing, combined with the amount of my brain this is taking up.... impending is the only word that seems to fit.

There's a lot going on this weekend and early next week, and they are good and necessary things: barbecuing with friends, preparing for an important meeting on Monday. I really want to see my child, (and I'd be lying if I didn't note that having him would mean the beginning of recovery rather than the prolongation of discomfort) but ultimately, I'd like him to hold off at least a few more days. Tuesday would be fine. Probably until another something gets close enough on my schedule to break through and impend all on its own.

Magic for the Cure: An Experiment in Generosity

I was raised with a habit of giving back. Many of you likely were as well – we are judges after all, and what does that involve if not giving back to the community which has so richly impacted our lives? For me, it started in 1989 when I was in 6^th grade. A 15 year old girl in my hometown was kidnapped and killed. She had played in the same softball league as my sister and I, and my dad had umpired many of her games – our league was one big family, and we were shaken. But that spring, the league pulled together and organized a (now annual) tournament in her memory, with all proceeds going to the Center for Missing and Exploited Children.

Fast forward to 2009. Lurking on the Judge list, I see a post about the Mana Pool charity tournament for local food banks. I think, “I should do something like that.” A few months later, Lloyd Dodson hosts a tournament to benefit HopeLine. This time, I travel out to play in it and think, “I should do something like this.” Then a friend at work is diagnosed with breast cancer, and our office starts organizing a team for the Susan G. Komen race in her honor. And I think, “This is it, this I can do!

The shop I organize tournaments for feels cramped at about 16 players, plus it’s a small community. So I got out my calendar and the events list for a shop 30 miles south of me and found a day when they had no major events booked (they run not just Magic but several miniatures and board game events a week). Luckily for me, it was the Saturday of Labor Day weekend – college students would be back in town and most of the older players with kids wouldn’t probably be going far that weekend either. I talked with the store’s owners and offered to manage the whole of the tournament if they would let me reserve the space for a charity event. They agreed, and I started the wheels turning.

My first email went to several individuals who I knew personally, either from working major events together or shops that I frequented. I shamelessly solicited prize donations and contacts so I could beg for more prizes. I wrote up a more detailed description of what I wanted the tournament to be, and sent it to be posted on the host store’s website as well as the “local events” page run by the nearest large tournament organizer (thank you, Steve and Lloyd!). I sent a similar writeup to the judge list… and then my inbox exploded.

I expected to hear from judges – at least some of the folks I’ve worked with. That I would maybe get a card here or there. I thought if things went well, I’d have enough prizes for my top 8. I quickly realized that I was thinking much too small when I got an email from Nick Sabin telling me to contact Andy Heckt about a personal donation. When Big Jace and Gideon arrived in my mailbox, I really started to believe this was going to be big. By the day before the tournament, I had received over $1000 in donated product – everything from storage/organization boxes to t-shirts to Revised duals and bunches of judge foils.

Twenty-seven players participated. As usual, I was the only girl in the building for most of the tournament. Which made it even more special, honestly. It’s easy for breast cancer to feel very gender-centric, and to see men and boys (my youngest player’s deck was built by his mom!) come out to support us meant a lot. We raised $540, which will go directly to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. This amount puts me over triple my individual goal AND pushed my team well over their initial goal as well.

I had enough prizes that I was able to give everyone something AND go back halfway through the list again. For those curious, the top 8 picks were: Box of M11, Box of M11, Big Jace, From the Vault: Relics, Judge Polluted Delta, Revised Volcanic Island, Revised Badlands, Judge Natural Order.

Thank you again to everyone who helped make this possible – even some of you who contacted me but ended up not making it because of last-minute plan changes. Your encouragement helped make this happen. Your gifts will be remembered.

If you think this is an isolated incident, let me tell you, it is NOT. When I played in Lloyd’s tournament, I was positively euphoric. I heard something similar from Martin, one of the participants this weekend. He told me, “I’m not the greatest player ever. I have three kids, so I’m not going to be. But I love playing charity events, because I’ve done what I came to do the minute I handed you my entry fee. I can relax and have fun in a way I can’t in a more competitive event.” Several players asked me to do this again. And if I can help someone else – just contact me. I’ll see what I can send you.

It’s the least I can do to give back.

Regina Cross is a Level 1 Judge in Moberly, Missouri, and the daughter of a three-year breast cancer survivor.

Redeeming

Maybe I'm grasping at straws, trying to make sense of the seemingly senseless. But things are starting to make sense. Weird sense, but sense nonetheless. Call it rationalizing if you like. It's working for me.

Eight months ago -- eight months yesterday, in fact -- my fears were confirmed. I had had a miscarriage before even having my first doctor's appointment of the pregnancy. At the time, I wondered why. I won't say this makes it easier to bear, but part of me looks at where I am right now and thinks "okay, I get it."

On June 20th, I applied for a job, something I would not likely have done when roughly 8 months pregnant. I had my first interview for that job last week -- when I could easily have been on maternity leave. This job could be really amazing and do wonderful things for where I want my career to go.

Last week we finished (with the exception of letters of reference) Colin's application to grad school. Another risk we would not likely have taken.

Thank you, God, for pushing me to live the life you've given me, rather than just waiting for the one I think I want. Thank you for, even in a small way, redeeming that experience.

To redeem - to recover ownership of, to restore the honor, worth or reputation of.

Magic for the Cure

For those who follow this blog and somehow don't know it, I've been playing Magic: the Gathering for the last 16 years. I'm a Tournament Organizer and DCI-certified Judge, and I really love the community of players. Despite all the horrible slurs against gamers, I have seen, over and over again, people banding together through games to do great things. Sometimes those things are small and personal -- building great friendships, telling amazing stories, pulling off combos that no sane person would attempt. But sometimes, those things are phenomenally huge. I hope this will be one of the latter.

In 2007, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is now one of more than two million survivors in the United States. We owe her early detection and successful treatment to research funded by organizations like Susan G. Komen for the Cure. This year, I will be part of the Columbia, MO Race for the Cure in her honor, and I'm asking my friends in the DCI to help out. To raise funds for my Race for the Cure team, I will be organizing Magic for the Cure, to be held at Valhalla's Gate in Columbia, MO. If you would like to donate toward the prize pool, please contact me at rcross126 (at) gmail (dot) com for shipping information.

Tournament Info

Where: Valhalla's Gate
            901 East Nifong, Suite B
            Columbia, MO 65201
When: Sept 4, 2010
           Registration: 11:00 - 11:25 AM
           Tournament begins promptly at 11:30
Entry fee: $20
Format: Standard
Prizes: final list announced at the tournament, but including (as of 9/3/10 - unfortunately some of the promised product did not arrive. If it was yours, I will be emailing you.)--

• Burning Wish (DCI Judge Foil) x2
• Decree of Justice (DCI Judge Foil)
• Gemstone Mine (DCI Judge Foil)
• Land Tax (DCI Judge Foil)
• Mind's Desire (DCI Judge Foil)
• Natural Order (DCI Judge Foil)
• Phyrexian Dreadnought (DCI Judge Foil) x2
• Polluted Delta (DCI Judge Foil)
• Stifle (DCI Judge Foil) 
• Survival of the Fittest (DCI Judge Foil)
• Thawing Glaciers (DCI Judge Foil)
• Cryptic Command (Player Rewards Textless Foil)
• Okina Nightwatch playset (Arena League Foils)
• Giant Growth (FNM Foil)
• Revised Badlands
• Revised Volcanic Island
• Birds of Paradise (M11 Buy-a-Box Promo)
• Day of Judgment (Zendikar Buy-a-Box Promo)
• Vivid Meadow (signed by Rob Alexander)
• Island (signed by Gabriel Nassif)
• Forest (Asian foil promo)
• Liliana's Specter (M11 Game Day Promo) (x10 - these will be split up in some as yet undetermined fashion)
• Gideon Jura
• Jace, the Mind Sculptor
• From the Vault: Relics
• Booster Box of M11 (x2)
• print of Force of Will -- mat and frame by Lloyd Dodson and his wife
• Arena Land Set
• Rise of the Eldrazi longbox with dividers
• 2011 Intro Pack "Breath of Fire"
• Rise of the Eldrazi Intro Pack "Eldrazi Arisen"
• Time Spiral Theme Deck "Fun with Fungus"
• Eventide Theme Deck "Superabundance"
• Time Spiral Theme Deck "Reality Fracture" (Italian)
• Alara Reborn XL t-shirt
• 2010 Core Set XXL t-shirt
• 2011 Core Set XXL t-shirt
• Zendikar XL t-shirt
• 2010 Core Set XL t-shirt

Thank you to our sponsors and contributors:
31st Century Games
A to Z Comics
The Basement
Bernd Buldt
Lloyd Dodson
Feral Events
Steve Ferrell
Andrew Heckt
Meta-Games Unlimited
Jeff Morrow
Ogre's Games (note: Ogre's is having a 1K on Sept 17)
Nick Sabin
Valhalla's Gate
Velocity Games

Arthritis

Yesterday, at age 33, I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis. It explains the problems I've been having with my left hand -- but it still sucks. A lot.

For any of you who may not know me well, or who haven't read this before, let me scan over my hobbies for you:

• I play cards (regular and Magic: the Gathering)
• I knit, crochet, counted crossstitch
• I type. Lots. I am on the internet pretty much any time I'm not asleep or doing one of the things above.

Sure, I read a lot, too, but usually WHILE doing one of the handcrafts. Screwing with how my hands work is messing up my whole life.

But I am secure. I am a mighty woman of God. I am clothed with strength and dignity. God has given me security in him, and no diagnosis can take that away.

But I'm still pissed about it.

Revivification

I'm going to try this again... please feel free to read any/all of my previous posts. My last couple of months have been in-sane. But a friend told me:

One moment becomes one minute becomes one hour becomes one day becomes one month becomes one year becomes your testimony.

Someday, I will look back on this time and see why. For now, I've just got to keep walking.

Bible Giveaway

For those of you interested, Bible.Logos.com is giving away 72 premium bibles over the next 6 months. We're talking top-of-the-line bindings, study bibles, devotional bibles. Find out more!

Logos Bible Software is celebrating the launch of their new online Bible by giving away 72 ultra-premium print Bibles at a rate of 12 per month for six months. The Bible giveaway is being held at Bible.Logos.com and you can get up to five different entries each month! After you enter, be sure to check out Logos and see how it can revolutionize your Bible study.

Long Time NO Post

Yes, it's been a while. I logged back on and saw that my last post was in March of 2006, where I complained about being unable to get an office job. HA!

In April, I quit my job at McD's and went to Kelly Services. They found me a temp job in Moberly at a leasing company, part of a big conglomerate. Five months later, I started a permanent position as a workflow specialist with one of our software systems. Been there for 3 years now (almost, anyway).

Since then I've changed churches, and started teaching Sunday School. And now I'm back here too. Hopefully I'll post more often.

I Got Mad Office Skillz

The problem is, no one recognizes it. 10 years of college, and in English, but no one seems to believe either 1) I can type (77 wpm, 100% accuracy, as of this morning), or 2) I'm actually interested in clerical work. Gah!! So today I did the application and testing to become a "Kelly girl"--of course, they don't call them that anymore, but still, a temporary office worker.

It's an option. So is staying home and making a baby. We'll see where we go from here.